I Have an Eating Disorder...?

I believed myself to be a healthy eater and exerciser, doing everything in moderation. However, the healthy habits I thought I had, snowballed into a full blown eating disorder. It started with a regular sports physical when I was 17 years old. I was down a couple pounds and my doctor was concerned. I was already dealing with depression and the doctor thought it would be beneficial to send me to an eating disorder specialist...I thought she was crazy. I loved to eat and I didn't think I had a problem. Sure I had tried dieting and was very self-conscious about my body, but I didn't think I had an eating disorder. Even my parents were shocked at the suggestion of anorexia, but I proceeded in seeking therapy from an eating disorder specialist at UNC.
My first few appointments went smoothly, but as more and more focus was placed on my weight and how I felt about my body, I became very uncomfortable and actively began trying to lose weight. At first it was just a few pounds, but eventually my weight loss was so significant I was taken out of school and put into the partial hospitalization program for weight restoration, following a meal plan based on exchanges. This was only the first out of many stays in an eating disorder unit. With the help of treatment and my parents, I was restored to a healthy weight and allowed to finish my senior year of high school.
I did okay over the summer, I did lose a few pounds, however, I was still healthy enough to go to school in the fall. So I went off to college. I was able to almost make it the whole year, but at the end of my second semester I was too far into my eating disorder to finish my final exams. I was taken from school by my parents and put back into the UNC partial hospitalization program. Again I followed specific exchanges and was restored to a healthy weight and enjoyed most of the summer at an acceptable weight.
I went back to college and this time I only made it one semester before having to go to a new eating disorder program. I had been consulting with my school therapist and she was so concerned about me that she was mandating that I go to the ER. I refused, and she sent the cops to take me to the hospital. After this ordeal I swore I would get healthy, but this was a promise I was unable to keep and I was sent to treatment in an inpatient unit in New York. We could no longer afford treatment and the unit in New York was a free program if I participated in research. Now this would've seemed like a great deal for me, but I am a strict vegetarian and this program didn't allow me to exclude meat from my diet. For the first few days I couldn't force myself to get the meat down, and the doctors were threatening to kick me out of the program if I didn't start to finish my meals. This was by far one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life, but eventually I was able to swallow the meat. I remember I couldn't bring myself to chew it, so I just got as small a piece as I could and I would swallow it whole, crying throughout the whole meal. This program gave me a calorie based meal plan, which overwhelmed me because I was on a plan of 3,200 calories and 4 Ensure Plus drinks. I lived in this program for about 3 months while I was weight restored and then maintaining my new healthy weight.
After I left New York I followed up in a new partial program called Renfrew. This program followed the exchange system as well and I was already a pro at using it. I maintained my new healthy weight and was doing very well for a few months, the longest I had ever gone without losing weight. I left this program feeling like there was no way I could ever go back to my anorexic self, but unfortunately my eating disorder voice was still present. I let it get back in my head and again I relapsed, this time reaching my lowest weight ever. I was slowly losing weight again when it was time for new school year, but I convinced my parents I could turn it around, and they supported me in going back to college. I returned and this time made it less than a semester. I was sent to the ER a few times and finally when my parents came to visit me they were so concerned and shocked at how thin I had become, they insisted I leave school (again) to get help. They were not going to support me in any way if I stayed at school, so I made the tough decision to seek treatment again.
This time I went to the inpatient unit at UNC for 2 months, then decided to move back in with my parents while I continued to gain weight at the Renfrew Center in Bethesda. I tried to gain weight in this program, again following a very specific exchange based meal plan. I was not gaining fast enough and I refused to fully follow my meal plan so I either had to go to a higher level of care or just leave Renfrew...I decided to just leave Renfrew, now on my own trying to restore myself to a healthy weight.
I currently have a meal plan based on exchanges, as does my step dad, newly diagnosed with diabetes. While we follow the same exchange system, the amount of exchanges we each have is very different. We are on opposite ends of the exchange spectrum with him trying to lose weight and me trying to gain, making for a very interesting household of eating. This blog will chronicle how the exchange system works for each of us individually and will provide an interesting juxtaposition of how the exchange system can be put to use.